Okay here’s my soap box and rant… I HATE HOW BEING SKINNY IS FORCE FED TO US! What happened to curves in woman? You all know the 50’s pinup, not this idea that woman who look like they’re coked out to be skinny is sexy.. It makes me just want to check them into rehab.. Even feeling that way, I compare myself to those victoria secret models, and find myself severely lacking…
That being said, I’m over weight. I know it and with that is my self esteem being a complete wash.. I’ve always had self esteem issues (along with trust issues, but thats another soapbox). It’s a constant tug of war.. I’ve been trying. My husband and I both do brazillian jiu jitsu, we eat healthier (tho’ not as healthy with all the eating out lately due to our renovating). We’ve been doing BJJ for about 2 years now, before that I did strength training every other day, and I never went under 190 lbs..
I’m a mess and its a dominoe affect… Depression, low self esteem, eating, weight gain, worse depression, depression pills, numbness, withdrawal from depression pills.. No I haven’t gone back on the happy pills, I’ve been lucky with the depression, so far it hasn”t come back like it was, but it’s trying, keeping busy is part of the key…
after a big family blow out because of the happy pills and other issues, I stopped taking them, cold turkey (DON”T DO THAT, BAD BAD BAD)… I needed something so I started strength training every other day, my body toned a little, but no weight loss. About that time my husband had high, erratic blood pressure, so we started eating healthy.. low/no sodium, low cholesterol, fresh food with little or no preservatives. We started BJJ together, which is awesome… I love throwing my husband without getting into trouble, I also believe he enjoys throwing me down.. believe it or not we rarely argue or get mad at each other now, I think part of that is BJJ… He lost tons of weight, he’s definately more toned than when we were kids.. Yet even with all that I was doing nothing, I got discouraged.
In the last few months I’ve gained so much weight, when the doctors weighed me, I almost broke down and cried. I new I was regaining weight, I also think I was/am slowly slipping back into depression.. I no longer look in mirrors, because I’m so disgusted with myself. My sex drive is crap, well cuz if you can’t look at yourself, how can anyone else.. (or at least thats how I feel)… So now my self esteem is reacting, my clothes are as baggy as they can be, no mirrors, and ooo are those chocolate bars? I’m trying to pull up before I once again crash…
Because of the weight gain, my feet feel like sausages, my knees ache a little, well my right one is hurt so now physical therapy for them, my back and hips ache, and my breasts got bigger, yuck… I want my breasts to be smaller not bigger..
I don’t think I want alot, just to feel good about myself. So I’m once again trying to pull myself out of depression. So here’s my health/fitness goals for the next few months….
*doing physical therapy 2x week
*trying to eat better
*cut out junk food
*hopefully back into BJJ after getting PT clearance
*feel better in my clothing
*start strength training/yoga as well
Maybe soon I can feel better, look in a mirror again, and feel comfortable with my body. Society has dictated that I’m obese and I tried not to fall for the recent image of beauty but, were inundated with it nonstop, so yes I compare myself to victorian secret models and the like.. So I feel disgusted in myself, even when people tell me I look great. I don’t take compliments at all because I feel unworthy of them, I’ve always been that way.
I know I’m not alone in this feeling, I know many others feel this way. Somedays, most days, I feel alone in my emotional upheavals..
Okay well thanks for letting me vent at least a little, it helps…